If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can relax without liquor,
Then, my friend, you are as good as your dog.


1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman- Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery,  
When it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him
 had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they  came to a high,
 white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble..

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that
 glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a  magnificent
 gate in the arch that looked 
Like mother-of-pearl,
 and the  street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked  toward the gate,
 and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one  side.



When he was close  enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?' 

'This is Heaven,  sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?'  the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice
 water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to  open.
  'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his 
Dog, 'come in, too?'
 the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept  pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the  road and continued the 
Way he had been going with his dog.

After  another long walk, and at the top of another long hill,
 he came to a dirt  road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.  

There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,
 leaning  against a tree and reading a book....

'Excuse me!' he called  to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over  there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured  to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump,'  said the man.

They went  through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump 
With  a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink  himself,
 then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog  walked back
 toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you  call this place?' the traveler asked. 

'This is Heaven,' he  answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.

'The man down  the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the  gold street and pearly gates?
  Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out
 the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'



A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never
let him down.
will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire
him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will
enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will
make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind.


snake   guy